You Ever Feel Kinda Foolish?

I'm both a very solitary creature and a social butterfly. I understand that both of these are at complete odds with each other but I feel that an explanation will explain things a bit further. As I've gotten older I've found that I meter who I interact with socially. Those people that I *do* interact with I'm very chatty and outgoing. I don't open myself up often. Nothing ventured, nothing lost. I know the cliche is something of the other way around, but I've been burned by enough people that that would be the version that I exist by. As a thirty-something person you'd think that I'd have learned how to deal with disingenuous people by now. You'd think that I'd be able to deal with being ditched when the shiny wore off. But through all of the crap that I've been though, all the tears that have been shed, and all of the people that I've either removed from my life or who have left, or worse yet snuck out of my life; I still believe that people will stick around and be decent and right human beings. I've unfortunately encountered several instances of the contrary in the last few days and it has me a bit worn out. As there have been things going on, I spent a good portion of the last week or two offline dealing with family matters. I'd have hoped that people wouldn't have found a new shiny while I'm dealing with potentially crushing developments. I seem to have been left in the dust without even being told. I've just been edged out without notice. Hours long conversations turned into a sentence or two a day. Spending hours RP'ing has turned into being ditched in lieu of other people. This shouldn't bother me anymore but for some reason it just really strikes home. I should be used to being left by now; It's something that happens quite regularly. But it hurts every time. It makes me wonder what I do wrong since it happens so often. It makes me wonder why I bother coming out of my shell and taking notice of the world around me. The world around me tends to kick me in the teeth by surprise. And then there are other people who are sitting in their corners snickering and laughing about something that a close friend is doing as a labor of love and the fulfillment of a dream. They're writing a novel. So there are people that we associate with that are pleasant and smiling jackals to everyone's communal faces while they laugh at and deride people for their efforts in the background. All of these bring to mind the questions of what else are they laughing at behind peoples' backs? Are they laughing at my renders? Are they laughing at someone elses' drawings? Someone elses' writing or 3D models, or anything for that matter? It makes me uneasy and a bit unwilling to share any more of my works. I'm not a fan of people at the moment and I'd rather just hide away and bury my head in the sand and just deal with myself and the people that matter in my life. I think I may do just that. Mahalo

New Blog, Same Shit

I thought that I'd start a new blog as the other one had incredibly fallen out of use. It also has a lot of bad memories, bad thoughts, and a lot of history. I felt it was time for a fresh start on a blank canvas. A tabula rasa if you will.

I've been a very angry person lately and I'm not entirely sure why. There's a lot of things in my life that I hate. Work would most likely be prime among them. Two days a week my job entails fixing the mistakes for people who are too lazy and/or stupid to do their jobs correctly. These people we gave pictures in order to help them do their jobs because we thought words were too complicated for them. They still don't care or can't comprehend the pictures and I get angrier and angrier as these days go on. I'm constantly running to solve these problems. I come back from one to find another at the other end of the system. It's never ending.

Management won't say a thing to these people. They're afraid that if they say anything that these people will leave and there won't be the money that they're being charged. My dad met my mother when i was five years old. I ran roughshod over everyone because no one told me now because they were afraid that I was "going to have another seizure". So i did what i wanted. My father came along and spent the next ten years whipping my ass until I got the idea of how to act properly in civilization.

How do you expect people to improve when you won't tell them that they're doing something wrong. Management seems to think that if they leave these people alone that they'll magically do things better. That's bullshit and everyone knows it. I guess the older that I get, the less tolerance I have for the stupidity of others. That sentence by itself probably speaks volumes on the subject. I come across as very arrogant and dismissive perhaps in these last few paragraphs. There was a point in my life that I'd make excuses and try to help these people along. There was a point that I went above and beyond. I guess life has worn me down a bit. I'm still very in tune with that person, but the times that I am have become much fewer as the years press on.

My capacity for drama has dropped to zero. After having enough of my own real life drama, I really can't abide the drama queens any longer. I've cut a good portion of my family out of my life because of their constant drama, or the bitching of their constant drama.

Anyway, I'm going to publish this as it took me the better part of two hours to write between stupid and/or lazy people keeping me constantly running this morning.

Mahalo